Breakfast Time Lumber

So I just woke up. The crime scene is the bedroom I am laying in as I write this. All i see are holes in the ceiling and popcorn, not the kind you eat, on my bed. It's another case of holes in the ceiling, so I get up and start walking to the garage, where the stairs are leading to heaven, or as most people call it, the attic. Heaven is hot, dark, and usually has a lot of insulation scattered around its geography (It's nothing like you thought it would be and there's no clouds). I walk around heaven until i see little beams of light shining upwards through the house ceiling onto heavens ceiling, which is ironically made of wood (we'll get back to that later). Looking down through the holes I can see a bed, a cat and a dog costume. The first thing that comes to mind is, "wow these holes aren't so bad, I should set up a video camera and make a porno". I mean, I was right considering there was a bed, a cat (which would later, as in right now, be translated into "pussy", which men usually like unless of course you live in key west), and a dog costume (for roleplay). Did I go too far? Second thought that comes to mind is, "How did these holes get here". I lay down facing heavens ceiling because i'm just a natural detective and thought to do this instantly. It turned out to be the case closer. As I look up at heavens highest point (the main beam) I see the rays of light to my left. They spell something out as if someone was carving words into the ceiling with a tool. That tool would later be my penis and that word.... Hell. Guess the devil wanted to pierce heaven, good thing he chose a tool thats indestructible.

Title of the blog?
Breakfast Time = Morning
Lumber = Wood
Morning Wood

Do people actually schedule sex?


Here's a funny phrase, "Extra Fancy". I recently saw this on a bag of string beans, honestly what makes anything extra fancy?

Here's a funny food, "Uncrustables". I guess it was too hard to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, smuckers has a frozen version, without crust.

Oh, and here's a funny question, "Can I ask you a question?". If im not mistaken, you just did.


Time to go make some Hodge-Podge in the kitchen.

Write this down...

Sitting here eating ice cream made me realize how much i love mixed concoctions. Coffee Ice Cream & Oreos, Pepperoni & Pineapple Pizza, Cheese Cake (concoction of words more than anything), and even girl on girl. I just love concoctions and mixing it up so whether it's pre made (Chex mix) or Minute Made (Coffee Ice Cream & Oreos) (No pun intended (Minute Maid)) I will most likely eat it.

Let's talk about funny words. Here's a funny one, Bossoms: Use this word to take the "sexy" right out of nature's greatest accomplishment and probably look like an idiot in front of friends.

Next word. Turophile: Kind of like pedophile except you would be really fond of cheese, not premature testicals.

Another please! Masticate: Remember when you were 16 and your friends all thought it was funny to say "I bet you masticated 100 times today"....Did they realize that this meant to chew?

Second to last! Bovicide: Means to simply kill a cow...so if a cow kills itself its not bovicide?

Last Please! Priapism: If you have seen viagra commercials, an erection lasting for more than 4 hours, but not because of the pill.


I have an uncontrollable urge to dance right now and I think they call this boogie fever.

Holidays...

International Chicken Wing Weekend 10-12 and Nude Recreation Week 6-12 are both running till the 12th of July. Also keep in mind you can celebrate International Chicken Wing weekend and Nude Recreation Week for 2 days straight TOGETHER! Whats better than Eating chicken wings in the nude? That's right, nothing. Be ready July, because we're mixing body parts with wings (lets hope no body parts fly away).

I'm glad people are actually reading this, I just wish i had more "followers" and regular visits because I am writing this for you. BTW today's Memorial Day, so get drunk, have a bbq and do big thangzzzz because that's what our fellow fighters did....not.

My pool is looking very cloudy, like sex happend in it. EW right, but here's a fun fact.

The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads one. Awesomeeeeeeeeeeeee! too bad that isn't true, sometimes I wish it was so I could make fun of that one kid who swallows a massive amount and almost drowns in 1 foot of water at the beach.
"Dude lucky we were here, you almost...YOU SWALLOWED ALL THAT BLUE WHALE SPERM"

Anyways i'm gonna go make french toast sticks! I just found out there is no more BBQ :(
Let me go dig up the carcass i burried last night.

I figured out 100% of 1% of my life..

So let me start off with, I like to pace around when I talk on the phone. I basically run half speed or speed walk while chatting on this mobile device I have for no reason. Some people walk patiently in circles around their house or wherever they are and I run. I'm not sure if this is normal but I make a few laps around my house (when I say a few it's honestly 10 times or more).

With that said let's talk about running. What runs? runners run and so does water, which now brings me to the next subject. Woke up this morning to a noise of running water but it wasn't a sink sounding noise. It was more of a pipe sound, so I went to check it out. It turns out my toilet was running. Have you ever seen a toilet run?


GOTCHA! well that's my made up story for today with a picture attached for goodluck. Kind of like a postcard or a medal to wish you luck on catching yours, even though those two things have nothing in common...wtf mate?

Tommorow we are having a BBQ and here's a lesson on this word...

The indigenous peoples would dig a pit in the ground and put a whole carcass in it, cover it, and build a fire over the pit until the meat was done - usually overnight. This method of cooking was called "de barba a cola" which translated means from head to tail, or the whole carcass. "Barbacoa" was derived from "de barba a cola". So in other words why in the world would you ever burry meat in the ground? Do these people realize what they are doing or....That part just left me speechless. The burried meat would be good if it wasn't so bad, catch my drift? So tommorow we are having a barbacoa with some friends, probably about 5-10 of them. It should be fun, especially the part where I ask

"Would anyone like a side of dirt with their burger...I mean we are being traditional"

Lost Inventions...

Ever had that feeling you were really wrong about something and failed to judge it correctly? No? Well if not i'm sure you are about to get that feeling after this...

So i'm sure whoever reads these thinks I sit on here daily and think of stuff to say and don't go out. Well that would be wrong because atleast 5 of the posts already have been done from my phone on the go. That's right! Business man on the go here, move out of the way when you see me on the sidewalks strolling along typing. If you see me on the streets driving, looking down i'm probably getting roadhead and not typing on my phone (I memorized the buttons). If not, I could just be checking up on Derek "not so" Jr. Listen besides all this crazyness I have a new invention to write about.


I mean...a sushi popper? Honestly who would ever eat this? Does anyone remember those old flinstone pop up icecream things or Gogurt? Those were perfect ideas and inventions but sushi in a cylinder sounds horrible. I feel like it would melt in your mouth because of chemicals to keep it preserved or the fact that its mushy. This is like me trying to sell a preserved mummy to a cannibal, and i'm sure he would love to try it.

Fun fact for today: The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it (actually true).

Nothing better than late night hangouts and attacking my cat in a dog suit, oh the irony.

Nothing funny to say....

There is nothing funny to be said because this video will make you die laughing without saying anything.

Delivery Stories...

So I'm going to make this one short but swell (not a reference to an asian "member")

I left the restaurant at approximately 6:25 to make a delivery 2 miles away. I get to the front door and as he opens it I immediately realize he has two cute shitzuus or however you spell those furry pets. Anyways, he's signing the paper for his credit card and the dogs start humping eachother and I believe they are both of the male origin. So then it gets more awkward once I say "well that looks fun". I immediately regretted that statement but you only live once right, unless you're a cat. As I'm leaving and he's closing the door he puts a smirk on his face and the last thing he says is "i neuter them and they still mount eachother"

The End, Back to work.

Lost Inventions...

Honestly what is this and do people really use it? I saw this one some website and immediately began to laugh. I'm laughing right now just imagining me sitting next to this lady (although the lady sitting next to her is a LADY and is black, I am neither). At the same time I feel like I would be one of the few people to indulge myself in this chin device haha. It would be pretty sweet to sit there and not have to balance while sleeping but this would eventually lead to kicking of the legs to make someone fall. Kind of like the rolly backpack trick to flip it over except your face is on the floor and most likely cracked open. Too bad michael jackson didn't have one of those crutches for his face, even his career.

Well enough about that and goodluck to the inventor. I'll be showing a few random inventions in the days to come considering i made a rare find of pictures.

Today it's raining and i have to work, so it should be great, in other words today is going to suck. As a matter of face, this whole weekend is going to suck because I work Fri-Sun and it's going to rain all weekend long. Next subject: People are coming to see my house tommorow so i'm going to be sure to place subliminal messages all over the house so they dont want to buy it. Maybe place myself naked in the bathroom for them to walk in on or I could lay spread out in my bed, although these aren't subliminal at all but do send messages.

I don't even know what i'm writing about right now but ill be back later

Dream

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the....Nope, that's not how it goes.
I had a dream last night and although it wasn't vivid and I can't remember it all it was pretty far fetched. It went like this....

I walked out my front door to go to work with my car but instead it was an elephant with a driver on it. On the way to work I noticed the driver looked a lot like Hitler, which made me laugh a little (his name was Himler). I mean come on that mustache is pretty funny. Anyways I got to work and my boss was in shock that I drove an elephant there, more than he was in shock that it was an elephant. He said "You better not be late to your deliveries or i'm going to have to fire you". Meanwhile my boss had a pencil stache just like Hitler and I was trying not to laugh. I really didn't understand the mustaches but hey it made me laugh in my dream so why not (i was probably laughing while i was sleeping, creepy). So i got my first delivery and Himler "drove" me there. The elephant smelt something it liked, i guess, and broke through the front of the house, into the living room, where a family of 6 were sitting and talking. So of course the family had to be jewish and were freaking out about Himler (i'm actually laughing right now). Another "of course", as all of them are sitting there freaking out the son bursts out and says "there's an elephant in the room" and thought that was hillarious. So i got off my elephant, delivered them the food, didn't fix their door and uppercut the 10 year old kid into the roof for being a smart ass, which is when i realized i was pretty strong. So i had to fight the family and this is when it gets kinda weird because It like transformed into a world like mortal kombat and I was fighting this family of 5 (the son was still stuck in the ceiling). I grabbed the mother and gave her a pile driver and knocked her out! The dad tried to swing at me and I ducked and punched him right in the stomach, and then a baby popped straight out like in those Alien movies. The family of 5 just turned into 6, until i grabbed the alien and bit his head straight off (badass). All I had left was gramps and the daughter (if you didn't read it till just now it sounds like a gross porn). So the grandpa hit me a few times and got me to the ground, then the ground opened up like I was in some stupid movie about heaven and hell. I pulled this super super glue out of my pocket...SUPER GLUE hahaahah. Remember this is a dream. I glued up the hole in the ground so i wouldn't fall in, got up and knocked the gramps out with one clean hit to the mouth. The daughter was left and said she didn't want to fight. So i grabbed her and held her tight as we walked away....YEAH RIGHT. I grabbed that bitch and threw her into the glue hole, where she later fell through the hole into chocolate pudding or fire or whatever hell is these days (I lost track).

No idea what happend after that but when i re-read this I feel like a crack head. I actually woke up laughing mostly because Himler and his mustache.

Today will be good on that note! Carolina Hurricanes game and then going to see Terminator: Salvation. If I don't come back, I was the resistance.

The Art Of...

I'm going to start something new. I'm going to name it "The Art Of..." and it's going to feature things that should be learned. Most of them don't make sense and will never be used but hey atleast I can look like an idiot and you can laugh, i'm used to it.

For the first one you should be learning how to laugh with tongue involved. It's weird looking, you will probably come off as a pedophile when you hang around middle schools, if you do this.... and it will make people feel uncomfortable (which is always a plus).

Example below, with something else you can learn to do thrown in. Hey why not!



Velveeta or nothing.


I'm going to dream tonight and then write it down tommorow.

Planet Earth Pt. 2

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Planet Earth

Well well, HEY! I'm watching planet earth right now and this stuff is nuts. Watching the disk labeled Deep Ocean and it's pretty crazy and so far, DEEP (ever seen tubgirl? that deep). Anyways right now it's showing this "dumbo squid", search it, look for big ears.

So this might be disturbing but i'm sure guys can relate to it. Could be too much information but hey what do I have to hide, i'm a human being and we all went through sexual education, although this isn't sexual at all. Another urine joke is coming along.....it's looming and here it comes.

Sooooo I woke up this morning and wound up peeing on the seat about half as much as i did in the bowl, thankfully not the floor like last time. So sometimes when a man has to pee it doesn't come out right because the "hole" isn't fully open, it's odd, and what happens next is good. Think of a warm day, waking up and looking out the window. You notice nothing but a sprinkler spraying out of 100 different holes. Now imagine the sprinkler being a penis (yes i said it don't hide behind a pillow), an extra large one at that, minus 98 of those holes...that's what was going on in the bathroom at the flagge residents this morning.

Heres a visual


Just saw a sperm whale, gotta go, this blog just got sexual.

Products

The Lucky Charms I just ate had way too many marshmallow in them. It was like 10 mallows for every misshaped wheat circle or whatever they are made of. I always wondered if they were actually made of marshmallow materials or if it's just a bunch of candy like crap bunched up. Either way Lucky Charms is a good tasting cereal although I would take Cocoa Crispies over them any day.

So today I was supposed to work at my so called job. All I do is drive around all day/night, listen to music, and deliver food to fat people (and when i say fat, I just want to tell some of them to never order again). I get these horrible tips sometimes and it's like dude what do you honestly want me to do with this dollar? Should i call collect to your house and tell you how much of a shitty tip that is or....? Atleast learn to tip someone well if they are coming to your house to deliver food to your fat ass watching American Idol. Anyways i'm off today because someone wanted to take my shift so why not! I'm going to sit at home and watch some hockey like every night, man do I love playoff season! Mikey is coming to hang out tonight to watch the game because his team is playing (I hope they lose).

Anyways i'm off! Always doing big thangz

Felines

So, i'm staring at my cat right now and realizing the tattoo i got of him doesn't look anything like him hahaha...I mean maybe besides the stripes/spots. I wonder if he would look like my tattoo if he was a cartoon, or so I would hope, because that was the point.



Tonight i watched a hockey game. Hockey is like watching a bunch of cavemen with beards just hitting an object around, knocking eachother against walls for no reason, and yelling. I love it! I just dont get how sports got so big and i'm not even talking just hockey. Football, Basketball, even Baseball....where did they even come up with this stuff and now its turned into a huge industry where the atheletes get paid millions to basically dunk, throw, hit, and shoot an object into a hoop, hand, glove, and net. It doesn't make sense but once again I love it! Well eh, not much into the pitching/catching (maybe because i'm not gay?) and I never liked the good old basketball game.

Don't know how I got into the subject of animals and then sports but i'm going to end this with a pretty good story.

So I got up during the second period of the game, which we were losing at this point 2-1. Walked to the bathroom to pee. As I got in I felt kind of light headed but i brushed it off and I unzipped those damn nice GAP jeans. Started to let loose some of that good stuff and felt really dizzy (this is where it gets good). I peed all over the floor to the left of the toilet for a good 3 seconds.....talk about bad aim, I didn't even hit the toilet.

Goodnight?

So I made one of these

I'm just going to start out by saying.....Keep a look out, because i'm doing big thangz